I must say that my memory has always been somewhat sketchy – always good for work but super bad for birthdays etc…. Then the sleep deprivation of having kids added to the mix so it wasn’t until probably about a 1.5 years ago I had noticed it getting worse. Thank goodness for my iPhone. I would use it for everything. I would set my calendar timers, used the note feature to remember everything. Then it got to the point where, I would forget where my phone was, not hear the alarms, forgot that I heard the alarm and start missing important work, school and family stuff. I stopped using my phone and went to paper lists. Paper lists for everything. This sort of worked for a bit too then I would make a list for groceries and forget the list at home. Then I would email myself stuff, only to forget about the emails.
I would make a list at work of projects that I needed to do and then forget about the list. I would miss deadlines, forget about ongoing projects and even lost a client for my work. Yes I felt bad! At work, all I was doing was apologizing. I was on the verge of getting fired – nothing I did was right anymore – I no longer was fast, accurate and field ready. I was alive but not functioning mentally or physically anymore – basically a useless tit! I know that some people at work thought I was acting the way I was because I didn’t want to be there, I was dragging my feet on purpose. I had warned them for months that I needed help because something was wrong with me but no help came. I did not comprehend how badly I cheesed off some people at work until basically now two weeks after surgery. I remember that at the beginning of August when I handed my medical note in at work and said I would finished the project I was working on. I completed that and then left to be on leave. After I received my ROE, I checked the website, because I knew they were doing changes and wanted to have a look, only to discover that I was no longer on the employee page. I couldn’t understand why and I still don’t know why completely; but oh well that is life. I had loved my job and the main owner of the company. I loved how the company was originally built on a family feel approach rather than corporate entity. I have no idea if I will be able to go back. I know that at the moment if I had to go back to work I would be a disaster again. It was membership time with CAPFT and I had to decide to renew my professional status for 2o13 work permit. I had to decide if I be a practicing or non-practicing member. I registered as a non-practicing member for now. I am not negative or upset or frustrated with anything that has happened, but now I see the situation from a clearer headspace. I am accepting of where I am today and know only positive changes will happen with time.
I am no longer in a fog and physically I am getting stronger and stronger everyday. I am working my brain by writing, and when I talk no one would know that I have some RAM and a few short connection issues. My short-term memory has a lot to be desired at the moment – BBQ caught on fire – oops about those burgers; Fill bathtub and forget about it; kids request food/drink – oops just to name a few. If you want to have a conversation with me, better get my full attention or you will have a one-sided conversation to yourself! Even if I have responded I probably didn’t hear you or processed what I responded to. I feel that I am way better than before the surgery, but still have a ways to go. I know that when I look at words that I have known for a long time I question if they are spelled correctly because the word just doesn’t look right. I used always ace the reader digest word definition quizzes and now…well…I tried. I know that it gets worse as I get tired or when I get stressed or have too many things happening at once. I just need to step away and recharge when I feel a little overwhelmed.
I am looking forward to my brain schooling next week, and I know that it will help me out. So I will fill up my backpack just like the kidlets and head of to do a bit of ol’ book learn’n! I am opening up new doors and allowing for change and opportunities to come my way.
Raise a glass of fizzy water and toast to new beginnings!