Well it has been almost three weeks of me having a bag packed with my clothes & not driving. Chris phoned the Brain Injury clinic and left a message for the Doc. He then spoke with the Unit 58 where they told him that “Yes I am always number 1 on the list, but because I have been discharged that I always get bumped because of someone inhouse. That the person in house is that is moved to the open bed on the unit doesn’t always need the servcices of the unit but just needs a bed.” Basically – Chris was given the honest truth that there is no hope in hell of getting a bed on the unit with a possibility but no guarantee of getting a bed at during Christmas. Chris was pissed with that because why go when all regular staff is on holidays. I was livid. My reaction was over the top! I swore like crazy because I felt that I was lied to, given promises and put on hold for no reason. Not to worry tho because we had an appointment with a local agency that afternoon.
We go to that appointment and I am blown away about how un professional, uncaring and lack of resouces it has. I am sure it is great for people who need the basic but my opinion is that there is little they offer for people like me (labelled high functioning). I asked about what they offer – stuff for memory and distraction & physical. The rest nothing. Asked about driving assessment. She said that if I didn’t have a letter stating not to drive I could & that if we want to pay $300 for a driving assessment we could. I asked about career stuff. I told her that I put my Masters degree on hold I told her I am at a loss. I was on the path of teaching more than one course at the college, did environmental stuff but at this point I have the shittiest short term memory, can’t understand more than one person talking at a time and if I get stressed then my words come out all funny. I know that I can drive fine, but for short distances and at night I shouldn’t drive. She told me that I could go to the community employment services for help. I told her that I went there when I moved here five years ago and that they told me I was overqualified for the services they provide. I asked if they had anytthing else. No go to CES. I am on my last two weeks of EI disability. I don’t know what I can do for work – I am at a loss. Yes – perfect job would be right now – no flickering lights, no big windows, no more than 45 minutes computer at one time, no more than one person talking at once, not too many people, or quiet people, clear directions and time lines, someone to help with the process etc…Yes I know I look “normal” but my brain is still a disfunctional. She told me I could go get help from welfare. WTF! Man talk about robot responses. Are there no other resources. Did ya hear a word I said. Basically they offer some stuff, but the rest I would have to pay for myself. So this agency offers me three one hour sessions per week for….time. WTF that’s it – I am feeling like this place is so bottom of the barrel. Plus they will not take the test that the doc has already done. They need to re-test me again. Now I know it…this agency is a justifier for money.
I walked out of there mystified. Chris shook his head & thought they were unprofessional. There was some other chick in the room with arms and legs crossed – never introduced – why the hell she was there is a mystery to me.
So we go home. I am & was an emotional wreck. I have been one to always be quick to anger but super quick to get over it. I couldn’t let go. I had thoughts of what the hell am I to do. Do I need to fall and wack my head or take a bottle of pills to be put in the hospital. – Yes I know they were not rational thoughts. I was not suicidal but I was going over what I would need to do to get admitted to hospital. Then I was going over in my head my lost identity when I first had kids – yup my old boss was right the Mommy train puts a halt to any career movement. And then have lost it again recently when I was just starting to get off the mommy train and see some potential for good career progress. I was thinking that realistically with no income coming in, I was worth more than alive. Moneywise it is true. Being not well is expensive. We have spent a lot of money with very little return. No one get your panties in a knot – I am not planning on harming myself in any way. These are just some of the not so rational thoughts that I had to work through last night.
Needless to say I didn’t sleep well. I couldn’t let anything go! I get up this morning and unpack the bag and get the kids ready for school. I drive the kids to school and on the way home I get a phone call from the Doc saying that they have a bed for me for today. I told her we will take it, but will not get there until closer to 4 or 5. I said that I had a meeting yesterday with the local agency and that they do not offer much. She agreed and I think that is why she may have pushed for a bed. I phone chris and leave lots of messages. So we will pick up D from preschool at noon and pull Wy from class the same time and hit the road. Chris says I should have unpacked my bag two weeks ago. I have no idea what to expect. I know my expectations are high. I want to get fixed! I know that it may never happen and will have to grieve my old self, and learn what my new self has to offer. I just hope that I can be provided some positive direction.
I am drained, and tired and stunned! All I can say is get me off this roller coaster – I am not liking the highs and lows.