I began a little blue pill a little three weeks ago so I could sleep at night. I began at 1 pill (10mg) and then went up to 2 pills (20mg). Within the first six days I had some crazy thoughts and weird thoughts. I had not been depressed up to this point so I just thought it was probably a side effect. I also know that I began to feel unmotivated and zombie like – just numb. Well then last week I had the emotional roller coaster. The medication was working that I was not waking up for long periods; only up for fleeting moments and the headaches still happened, but man I was becoming unhinged. I am not ever usually an emotional mess like this. Of course I am super anxious. So my medication has shifted to a yellow and white capsule. We will if see I don’t feel like a tired unomotivated zombie. Even with a sleeping pill last night I slept from 1030 to 2 then up and it is now almost 7am. I would rather feel normal and not sleep than sleep and feel like an out of control zombie. Of course I am stressed…I would like to drive again. Driving would make my life easier and help me determine if I could be an environmental field person. I am uncertain if I want to teach again. I know I successfully did the two hour bugs session three grade one classes. I also know at near the end I was tired! There is so much I need to learn to be able to teach again. I know that my job at the college is not there anymore. I was only part-time and so there is no going back unless there is another opening. But who knows maybe I can convince them they need a field trip/lab prep tech or something. Yes…I am anxious; money situation of course, my disability EI ends next week. I hate not being in control of not knowing a final outcome. I know everyone says it takes time! I realize that but sometimes hearing that is not enough.
It was a touch and go situation with letting me go home for the weekend. Geez…I was taking the shuttle. I had already been at home prior to being in the unit. So after being told yes, then being told no, then being told yes, then being told no, then finally yes. I was relieved because money had already been spent on a ticket.
So my homework to myself this weekend is to not be anxious and relax begin to meditate and to practice walking with my right foot and repeat heal toe heal toe! I think I will bring my computer down to speech because I can show how much more easily it is for me to get my point across by typing than writing with pencil. My god. I was asked a question and had to write down an answer with a pencil. Super easy right – ummm…my writing looked worst than wyatts and I wrote a sentence about the same grade level. Crazy. I am chalking it all up to bad meds and stress!
When I get home Chris is trying to be nice because he says he likes that I am slower now with walking and talking. Before I would walk and talk to fast. I really don’t know how I feel about that. If ya didn’t like me before with all my high energy and go-go-go why did ya stick around. Were you waiting for the slow mode to kick in. Thanks for the compliment – I think?!
Guess who I got the best welcome home reception from – yup you guessed it Echo, the dog! Ahhh the boys missed me maybe a little. But I know them, they will glom onto daddy because daddy does all the fun stuff. I finally did get hug and cuddle from Wy. D had a meltdown and was sent to his room. After he came out he fell asleep on my lap. So it took a bit but mommyy was missed after all. Today will be a fun day. We are taking the bus to Ruckers, a very noisy and crazy lights place with video games for a birthday party. Yay! I will be bringing ear plugs and sun glasses (if needed) and I really don’t give a shit what people think!