In January and February, I have been experimenting with the Doctor with medicine for me. I agreed to take a sleeping knock out pill to allow my brain to heal. Everytime I shut my eyes, it was like my brain was flickering little flashes of light and dark but no dreams but only an odd picture of something will flash. It was like my eyes were opening and closing very fast all night long. The pill makes me zonk out cold. I am taking about ten pills a day for nerve and head pain. Apparently one of the medications was recently studied and had success for neurogenic stuttering. I didn’t know that until I searched the internet because after a few days of taking this medication, my stuttering had decreased immensely. The stuttering still rears its head again when tired and when too much is going on at once. I could only describe what was like a big dark solid locked box in my head & I was basically walking around like a zombie. I am glad that most days the black box in my head feels way smaller and my thinking, thought and communication process seems to be easier – fingers crossed.
In the last two weeks, I now can feel pain. Before I would just feel some form of response to pain including feeling nauseous but not the “ouch” that is killing me type of pain. I knew I had a head ache and always rate it around a 4, even though the pain is there 24 hours a day. I had pulled a muscle in rehab but it didn’t hurt, just felt weird. I remember having the doctor look where it felt weird & she said that my brain was not connecting with what pain felt like. I had know clue what that meant until couple of weeks ago. My head hurt and I could describe where it hurt and how bad it hurt. I connected the nauseous feeling with the migraine/knife/around one side-of head through my right eye-like pain. Now I know we still need to work on my medication to help. Last week I hurt my knee and it hurt like it should have. The pain response was back.
I can handle more of the kids being kids – which is just being 24/7 loud. I have gotten molds made of my ears for ear plugs and can not wait for them to come. I do not like it when the kids scream out, yell or move quickly and suddenly towards me or come running waving their arms in my face. My perception is still out. I am still not the big player with toys, creative/imaginative game player or creative craft person as I was before, but I do try playing Skylanders (for a bit), Lego, and Bey Blades. I did take out the paints a few times with the boys. I have worked through allowing myself to let the television and Iphone games become the babysitter so I can get a break to rest. If I don’t get the rest, I get bad quickly and it takes me a while to recover. We spent a weekend away playing in the snow and it took a full week to mentally & physically recover.
I know that when I walk in the indoor track all the visual stimulation – shadows, sounds, netting, action in the gyms below, other people walking mess with my perception quickly too. I tend to bump into the side or swerve. I must look like a drunk person working out. I can be just as swervy on the treadmill too.
I am accepting that I can only spend a little bit on the computer. I am accepting that all that reading I did after the operation – all those books I don’t remember wasn’t really reading or comprehending. I have put aside the reading for a bit because I can not remember what the pages or books are about. I am accepting that I may take pictures with my iphone more than my larger camera. I am accepting that I still have trouble remembering to take my medication on time, showering, & getting the kids to brush their teeth. I am accepting that I started this post on the three days ago and will finish it today.
I am not accepting that my community of 60,000 people does not have a support group for brain injured people. That there is no group counselling like in other areas of Canada. That there is no support for my kids and partner. It irks me that there is a Brain Injury Relearning Service that does not offer these things. But they do offer a support group for Stroke Survivors. It makes me wonder why a way smaller community such as Powell River, BC has the Powell River Brain Injury Society that offers drop in, fitness classes, art classes and craft classes while the local group here does not. I go to the YMCA and my option of classes is limited due to fatigue. I want to take yoga but wheel chair yoga is not for me and the gentle yoga class is 1.5 hours long. Once again I feel that I am falling through the cracks. I wonder how many other people here feel the same way.