Okay I have gotten better with dealing with stress management after my diffused brain injury. I have done counselling, I have learned many techniques such as visualization, meditation, breathing and using essential oils. This techniques did not come naturally, I had to re-create new pathways in my brain to do things. It was like telling my right leg – heel then toe when teaching my right leg not to be lazy and start walking normally again. I had to tell myself over and over again to breath in & make a big stomach then breath out through mouth.
I remember telling the doctor that normally I didn’t feel anxious unless I started to become overwhelmed with too much noise, movement or visual stimulation. However I didn’t even clue in that my anxiety was really bad until recently when I it finally it clicked that my heart pounding and racing when I would sit still or lie down was actually anxiety and the wires in my head were still criss-crossed. My body has a hard time understanding the “fight or flight” response to stress. It appears to alway be kicked in to high gear and ready to either fly or fight. So everytime I have lie down I have to let my body relax and it can take upwards of an hour or visualization, oils and structured breathing.
When coping with stress, it takes a lot of mental energy in order to recognise symptoms, create strategies to cope and remember techniques for coping. My brain injury impacts my ability to do all all at once. Often there is a delay and I don’t even realize until later. So even though I have come far, I may still be a little quirky to all you normal people out there
I do not do well with confrontation. I am collaborator. My processing and uptake speed is slower so I can’t necesarily understand everything or gauge the situation approppriately. If I am tired, distracted, in pain, I will be distracted and not get the whole picture. I may be just in my comfortable space of smile & nod & look like I am all there…I have become a great actress over time. My speech therapist would catch me on this – the glazed over deer in headlights type of thing and say that it was rude to fake paying attention. Oh well – rude or not it is one of my coping mechanisms.
A few weeks ago I was in a room with some people who I thought were acting rude. There was name calling and other things. I didn’t say anything because my mind went blank. I just sank down and typed on my phone. I put a comment on Facebook that was an observation and didn’t include names. I didn’t even know the people’s names. I sort of regretted posting my comment until the person ambushed me outside a public building.
It started about a comment about my headband. I didn’t recognize the person and happily told the person about where I got my headband until the person told me they looked me up on Facebook (creepy) and if my comment was about him or her. I said yes it was. Then the person proceeded to ask if I was going to tell the principal. (what…we are not elementary kids). My heart raced, and I rambled on. I couldn’t stop talking. I was overwhelmed, scared and stressed out. I thought i was going to pass out. I rambled on about how it there are issues they should be brought up to staff and not left to stew.
I ended up going home and forgot to tell Chris about it for two days. When i did he got angry. I told him that my anxiety was shooting through the roof every time I opened the door to that public building. My body was acting like it didn’t belong to me – no control. I am not angry at the person. I think the person was having a bad day. There person seemed nice. I have been working on regaining control of my body wiring again. It will get there. I can not believe how wussie i feel. My physical overreaction is unnerving. I don’t like the feeling of fast pounding heart beats where you can hear your pulse in your head. God is not like I am perfect or never lose it…just ask the kids about mean mommy who yells. I tend to usually just threaten that statement and it works, but sometimes a loud voice can get you where you want to be too. Chris knows when I have done too much and I may be losing and tells me I should go lie down. It is true, I tend to lose it if I have used up all my energy and my cognitive/coping/survival skills are forgotten or threshold goes down.
So generally i try to be positive, proactive, and use my energy wisely into boosting behaviour instead of suckage behaviour.
I am trying to take a less stressful approach at life; to laugh more, frown less and treat people as I would like to be treated. I like the radiance of positive energy and try not to let negative energy drag me down. Sometimes it is so hard and at the end of the day when I have used up everything to appear/act normal it is my family who sees me struggling. i need to put them first so they do not get the short end of the energy stick. I promise to try!