Howdy Hydrocephalus

Understanding my unique gyroscope


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Bi-confidence

I am at home with my youngest who has a spreading rash on neck and face so I can not go to todays BIRS meeting. I was looking forward to it. Last weeks meeting was good. Apparently i have great self-confidence and self-worth in my personal life but when it comes to my art (not including photography) and trying to figure out a new professional side, I am lacking self-confidence.

But who wouldn’t lack self-confidence when bascially all the you knew kinda went swiss cheesy and into the depths of the deep dark brain. Did you know that most people see their career persona as their number one person…or should i say those type A people – like the old me see themselves or self-worth via professional side only.

So what is my self-worth and being:
a good parent
partner
friend
happy
pet owner
artist
driver
cook
swimmer/water exerciser
writer
volunteer
advocate
and many more that I can’t currently think of.

I am working three times a week at the Brain Injury Releaning Services to get my brain back a bit more so I can either go back to work or go and successfully do my Masters. I accept that I am not ready at the moment. So letting go of a timeline for completion and being “back” into what some say “productive” place in society is okay. I just can’t stand the stigma of where I am at. “Society leech” “tax payers drain” but it is what it is. So really I do not need a professional side of self-worth. I should just throw that out the window and say screw it. Why do I need two or more self-worth pigeon holes. Maybe I will just have one. If people can’t accept the one, they they should filter out of my life.

By allowing myself to do less, expect less and just be, I am having more energy. Less stress = healthier me.

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New Me…old me…who – TBI & the great identity crisis.

I am fortunate to be a part of a group brain injury wellness program. I am glad there is finally one in the community but I am a little saddened that it is only seven weeks long. It is weird that there is such a short time limit on it when brain injury recovery is such a turtle of a beast and recovery moves slowly.

There was a lecture on personality changes after brain injury. I think my overall personality is much the same, but there are some noticeable things that did change. I do still reflect, but no longer focus on who the old me is. I am still however trying to get used to the new me. The upside is that I get to start over and really I am only three years into the new me so it really hasn’t been to long for me to adapt. However, it is all not rainbows and happy parties, nor is it a pity party either. It is just plain weird and that’s it. It is uncharted territory as I don’t know if this is how I will be forever, or will neuroplasitiy take over and re-route neural activity over time.

Somethings that I miss about the old me are:
The energy I had,
always on the go & doing something,
going out and enjoying it,
my quick wit and sense of humour,
enjoying people,
being easy going,
love to have fun,
and playing with my kids.

The new me tends to:
Get frustrated easy,
embarassed and humiliated (less now, but I did forget how to tie my shoes, now more so if I fall),
go from patient to snapping if done too much and are overwhelmed,
stares off when can’t keep up with conversation or distracted,
don’t show much enthusiasm,
will not think things through & impulse control,
lack a sense of humour – don’t get jokes or sarcasm,
slower uptake on significance of conversation,
awareness of limitations,
seem serious because I am concentrating so hard,
feel that everything I do is for rehab purposes and forget what fun is,
and have a hard time playing with my kids.

Today, I watched the Lego Movie for what seemed like the first time. Although I know that the kids have seen it so many times that I have lost count. I don’t know if I zoned, missed legitimately, or slept through all the other times, but this time I thought the movie was funny. After the boys wanted to play Lego. I didn’t really want to but did. We build a couple things and then the boys got involved in another movie.

I continue to try to re-learn coping skills, acceptance and re-adjustment. I only hope that we as a family is muddling our way through it in a decent way.

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After Brain Injury: The Dark side of personality change part one

After Brain injury: The dark side of personality change part 2

Helping Children Cope with a brain injured family member