I used to be a very strong minded person. I could hold by my beliefs, convictions when a person would try to convince me to purchase something. I would always do research for months on end before buying something important. I used to love Consumer’s Report and looking all the reviews online for things…especially camera equipment. This used to drive my husband batty as it took me nine months to figure out what Camera body I wanted to buy and many more months after that for the lenses. One thing that has noticeably changed with me is that I am extremely gullible. I can be convinced about things more easily. This makes my normal adventurous spirit to try new things almost manic.
My impulsive button is stuck on full-on especially when feel pressure from other people. I have no idea why, how, what, when or who I have become in this manner. I usually prepare when I go into a store with a list. But lately I haven’t. I go into a store and with all the rows and rows of stuff my mind goes blank. I have no idea what I am there for so I wander around hoping things will pop into my head and I will remember what I needed. I wander up and down the same aisle numerous times trying to read and decipher what everything is. I often read things wrong, prices wrong etc…. I impulsively pick things up and put in basket. I then walk further down the aisle and take the item out of basket and place on shelf. I do this over and over again. I have security follow me around the store before numerous times; especially Walmart as they are not that stealth. It took me two hours to pick out a birthday gift for a little girl and a baby shower gift for another little girl. Girl stuff is totally not my territory. I have no idea. But the funny thing is that numerous hours after home and napped from that adventure I finally figured out why I actually went into the store anyway…those styrofoam mailing noodles and potting soil. Mmmm didn’t get those and it has been two weeks and I still haven’t picked them up either!
My impulsiveness runs in another direction where I attribute it to trying to re-establish my identity. Much to my husband saying that he knows that I wouldn’t like reflexology I was hell bent on thinking that I would. Nope not really…I found out that deep down I still don’t really touching people and that I have a quick gag reflux with smells, textures and stuff. But I am glad I learned as I love doing foot reflexology on my boys. I think it gives us time to bond. I have also found out that I am an essential oils educator not a sales person. I love natural healing components of plants, shrubs and trees. Reminds me of when I worked in the environmental field. I just do not like sales at all. Deep down I am like I was before never working to make a buck but to try and make a difference instead.
My impulsiveness also feeds my lack of ability to keep a routine and attentive on any one thing. This is very apparent to my husband some days when he comes home and finds five loads of clean laundry on the bed not folded; half the kids drawers pulled out sorting out small clothes; partial boxes unpacked downstairs; left out paints; half unloaded dishwasher; half dinner started etc…. This in turn feeds my lack of decision making which is another story into itself.
So basically I am a walking tornado at the moment trying to make sense of myself. Hope that I will be able to find an identity of who I am and who I want to be soon before I frustrate the bejeazus out of everyone; myself included. Being this way leads to frustration, confusion, anxiety and depression. Not to mention of feeling not normal and as a failure to boot. I wish I would get better soon as I do not like where I am at the moment.