I knew that I hadn’t blogged in a bit, but wow three months. This year has been a complete lack of writing therapy. Maybe that is why at the end of 2017 I feel so disconnected, blah and like I am a trainwreck going steadily downhill without any brakes and picking up speed with no end in site. It is not a good feeling.
I try so hard to get things done. Great business idea, get stuck, can’t connect the dots. Ask for help and then the REDI people are not computer knowledgeable. Feel like I am left standing in the dark trying to do this by myself so I give up. Don’t get a phone call or text for a month. When I do…I am feeling frustrated, angry and directionless. Yes I need help but why should I ask…when I will be told that no one has the skills to help me there. I get confused when they ask what i need help with and my goals, direction. We had a list of stuff of helping me connect the dots, figure out priorities and all that stuff. Then they left me to work independently…well that worked like shite. Where can I go? What can I do? I don’t have a clue and do I trust these people again? I have no idea. So I have shelved my business idea until 2018. I decided to work on my Etsy store. That has been good and very time consuming. I make lots of stuff but then I don’t remember where things are or my passwords and takes lots of time try to get around that.
Hockey has been a time consumer. It takes so much energy out of me.
Been trying to figure out why my fingers and wrists hurt so much since January. I have gotten weaker and weaker. First set of Blood tests don’t show anything. Need to get more done and then a nerve conductivity test. It is hard to keep upbeat and positive when you feel like you are mentally and physically deteriorating.
I am so glad christmas break is coming up and we are not doing a thing. No christmas dinner, no big events. I need to sleep and just recover and do some self care. I will be climbing back into my cave and not coming out until the Pee Wee Hockey tournament January 5.
Oh yes there is little in my bucket today for positive LOA, mindfullness and go team rah rah rah. Usually I am upbeat and all that jazz but to turn my frown upside down will require more energy than what I have at the moment. I have a list of things that I need to get done but I think I will be heading back to bed. Maybe it is the wind that aiding to create this ominous veil over me. I didn’t ask for this crappy TBI, Hydcrocephalus and the shitload of other ailments that are all invisible. I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone. Somedays it really does just suck! To be high functioning computer literate person in a community where supports do not have the skills required to help you makes you fall through the cracks and feel that maybe you do not need help but to only fall flat on your face again. Come on I need help getting up this fucking mountain. I just don’t know what or how to do it.
A walking grinch like zombie who is optimistic that 2018 will be better!