Howdy Hydrocephalus

Understanding my unique gyroscope


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Warning Evil Villain Neurological Strikes Again!

images (6)I was all prepared to wait another week then give you a great update on my personal chaos but then something important came up and I am utilizing my high dis-tractability to write about this or else I will then overthink about it and it will consume me all day until I get it out.  So here goes…this is what has been on my mind and in my heart creating me to grief since yesterday.

My youngest son wanted to play ice hockey this year. It is his first time and we had player evaluations yesterday. My oldest son’s coach from last year son was in the same evaluation group. This made my youngest son happy to sort of know a couple boys on the ice. We were looking forward to the usual casual catching up about summers etc….

However, when the Mr. S and his family walked in, I noticed the gait, constricted body movement,  grimace of pain and slight facial difference. I said “it looks like you are in pain…did you hurt yourself?” Mr. S responded “I lost a battle with a mosquito.”

All I could think was Whaaaattttttt….the……F. This is a load of crap. He is so young to be hit so bad. He is a good guy…his family is good people. Why can’t this shit happen to bad people like the asshole who stole a truck last week, caused two different high speed accidents in two different intersections and takes an innocent 18 year old’s life; then decides he wants to try to take the Police Officer’s gun in the hospital. Those are the assholes that deserve this shit not a person who works, volunteers his time and is decent. I always shake my head as to why this happens.

So apparently Mr. S is one of three people who contracted West Nile this year in Alberta. And of the three “fortunate” people who were bit by the special mosquitoes, he of course he drew the lucky wild card and was hit extremely hard with both severe physical and neurological effects.  Everyone is hopeful that the effects are temporary and not long lasting or permanent. I know I am hoping there is not long term effects. But when anything affects the central nervous system you never know what will happen. I know neurological re-wiring does happen and continues to happen with me but it is a very slow and I admit frustrating process.

images (22)I think it hits too close to home and I know the enormous amount of grief, guilt and loss person that is happening to Mr. S. I still don’t understand the family perspective entirely. But I can see the pain, sadness, uncertainty, trying to hold it together without breaking down and trying to be positive in Mrs. S eyes. I can see that the kids will grieve, be angry at times and frustrated, but the love will always be there. I see the fear, uncertainty and the ominous overbearing unknowing that lay ahead. I see the hope for continued recovery.

images (3)I also wonder if they are provided with all the resources the community has. I know we weren’t. We were not giving all the other stuff other than prescriptions, occupational or physical therapy. There is more out there but information seems to always get left behind.

  1. Get into a chronic pain management clinic rather than just Neuro or GP
  2. Occupational therapy runs out…Brain Injury Clinic can help with memory, distraction, daily activities with both an one on one sessions at BIRS and workers who can come into your home.
  3.  Mental Health in Provincial Building has people you can talk to. By yourself, couple, kids and family sessions available. This is a big stressor event and we are never taught how to hand it. Everyone assumes we can “Just Deal”. When you lose your identity quickly depression and anxiety crop up and almost go hand and hand.
  4. Medicine Hat Hospital Recreation programs are amazing and help you explore new or adapted leisure and recreations options. They have great programs such as walking, art, and others but I forget what.
  5. The Healthy Living program that is run in a building near the hospital is a great program. It was a safe place to work on building coordination, strength, and fitness.
  6. The YMCA program has an adapted fitness coordinator
  7. Community Futures Disability Entrepreneurship Program for those who are finding new career directions in life.
  8. MH Adaptive Sport is here in Med Hat with amazing people. It is for people of all abilities not just wheelchairs which I thought.images (8)

That is all I can think of for now but I am sure I have missed some very important groups that I have used and continue to use.

But one of the biggest things that have made a positive impact in my life has and is laughter.  Humour and joking is one way to break the ice with those who are uncomfortable when they see you for first time in a while, as well as with family on a daily basis. Humour and laughter just naturally cycled in being positivity in our lives. From that it spurred gratitude and mindfulness…of course I am continually working on the the mindfulness.  But as a dear friend of mine who is a two time cancer survivor and now officially conquered the big C always says “Any day I am turfside up is a great day” This so true for all of us as we take the crazy journey through life. We all often get wrapped up in the fast pace and stress of getting it all done we never really take a look around to appreciate the simple things.

images (2)I have always hated mosquitoes, black flies, deer flies and horse flies especially when working in a black spruce stand where you are basically a free diner with a neon sign that says open for business…free blood. You have to walk around looking like an alien in a bug suit because Deet is just an appetizer for those hunger little buggers. So I had to look up what West Nile was again because it has been a while and my mind of course is a sieve. So West Nile is a mosquito borne disease that usually doesn’t cause and symptoms or some very mild flu-like symptoms. More information can be found here. But the virus can spread to your Central Nervous System and create long-term havoc. There are aggressive treatments but there are still no stats on recovery rates which really sucks. Prevention is wearing bug spray and screens…limited which is even more suckier. I hate wearing bug spray and screens are only as effective as the amount of doors opening and closing or how many cat claw holes you have. I know we can not live in a bubble but really it just not enough.

Well thanks for letting me ramble with the keyboard. Hope everyone has a wonderful day! Remember take time to slow down, breath, feel the breeze and sun on your face and cre8te something for you!

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The Summer of Milestones

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This summer has been amazing. Because I have been on my pituitary meds and energy medicine for almost a year, I have gained ten pounds, built a little muscle and endurance back.  Because of this I pushed the physical side more than I have since my brain surgery five years ago. 

Last summer I started with some easy flat hikes; paddle boarding more  and just flat easy biking. This year we have not hiked much but instead took to my old passion mountain biking. It was a spur of the moment when I bought my new to me Marin at a local bike swap. We went there to get the Wy, D & Mr. C new to them bikes.  We started the boys on flat trails, then logging roads and then to some trail riding. Well it was a test on my patience because every ride there would be one frustrated boy in tears because he fell one too many times or sacked themselves from not listening to me about riding the trail off their seats. Being the mean mom I am, I would say falling is apart of the experience. The bruises and cuts are stories to tell. I would say they are building balance and muscles that will help for hockey. We did 20km flat rides but shorter trail rides but often there teary statements of “I am never riding a bike again” to only ask to go biking the next day. Wy gave me the best compliment the other day. He called me a ” mountain bike expert”. I laughed and said “I am far from an expert. The last 50km ride I did was a long long time ago.” But It made my day and said “thanks”.

The biggest milestone took place when my brother, R-man and his two kidlets, C & M visited.  When I lived in the Kootenays many moons ago I spent a winter travelling 50km each way to learn how to kayak in the Nelson, BC swimming pool at night. I kayaked until I moved to Manning, Alberta. Six years ago, I bought a white water kayak again. I think I only used a few times before I was too sick to. Then the spring after my surgery I liquidated all my fun stuff I couldn’t do anymore; camera, studio equipment, kayak, TKD equipment, running shoes, cruise vest, soil probe, and identification books for work. I kept my Giant & golf clubs.

 Last summer we wanted to go white water rafting but we ran out of time. So after we were all together I called Canyon Raft Company located in Fernie, BC. I booked us all. I showed the kids pics and when I saw the looks of terror on two of their faces, I said that the pics were taken at higher water levels. We were rafting at low water levels knowing that I was telling a small fib. 

So we drive to Fernie Alpine Resort where we are picked up on the bus. The driver, who is one of the two owners, let us know about some Great Lakes nearby and hiking. In Elko, we got to see where there is a 40ft waterfall where some very experienced kayakers like to drop off of only at low water because even then it is dangerous. It was beautiful. We then drove to our starting point.

But before we got into the rafts, we got our gear on, wetsuit, helmet & paddle for most but not for someone like me that has body regulation issues. When I get cold my fingers and toes can turn white or purple. But I was prepared. I brought my swimsuit, on top of that I had my thin one piece thin outfit for paddle boarding, next the wetsuit, then water socks, I also grabbed a spray jacket and eye Glass band. We received a lecture about the gear and our hike down to the boats.

The hike down was beautiful. Sport sandals or shoes that can get wet mandatory!!!

At the bottom we met all the guides and the photographer. We received a very thorough safety briefing and then were broken into our groups for the paddle. Our guide has been in Canada six years. She left Melbourne for the mountains – water in summer and powder in winter. Along with us is the owner of the company and the seven of us. M is too nervous to paddle so she rides the trip but gives us all the best facial expressions that we see in later photographs. I am grateful to have an extra adult because I am not too sure how the three boys in the back are going to do….mmm…slack it and watch the adults work…I am almost 100% sure. R-man and me are in the front. With Mr. C behind me.  Once settled with the group photo taken we are off first down the river.  Whoa…hold it….we are the last boat in the line. I picked it because I thought we would be last….oh but no..here we go with the first two sets of Rapids back to back. All I remember is one is called something about marbles.

It is a weird feeling. Trying to coordinate paddling with R-man while trying to keep an eye ahead and listen to our guide’s directions. All I could think of was am I dong this right, trying to have myself breathe to calm down and not get overwhelmed and not to get distracted by the scenery or water.  Around the bend we go and wow the adrenaline is kicking. Once we finished we relax and wait for the other three boats. We have two fall out from one of the three boats but everyone is safe and put back in. During our waiting my right side is going all twitchy and my right arm feels weak. The thoughts that go through my head are “oh no…am I done. We just started. Can I paddle the entire  What is going on. Am I dehydrated?” I have some water and it was the right thing to have. Then we forward paddle into our third rapid…something about a shoe. 

 Here we are heading into the third set. We hit a rock with a jar and all stay in.  I go ass over tea kettle after we hit a second rock right when I am leaning out to paddle a wave. My paddle stays with me in a death grip. Mr. C see me go in and reaches for me and he goes in. When I fell out I couldn’t see a thing. I wanted to swim to boat but then was told to put feet up and cruise and that is what I did. I flew. It was awesome, you can see they had to throw the rope float bag at me. While Mr. C got to hang onto the outside of boat. I grabbed C’s paddle as it floated by me. When I get in, we are all laughing. Wy said he flew into C, C lost a paddle and D was flying and was heading for the water but was saved by our amazing guides. What a rush!!!Mr. C goes up front for the rest of the trip and we go have more rafting fun….brrrr. I am working so hard that I am still keeping warm. Win for me!!!

We make it through the rapids to an amazing float section with pristine coloured water. Then we have lunch. After lunch before we hit the canyon we get to try our hand at cliff jumping. There are three choices low, medium and high jumps. Of course Wy & C start the trend with the medium jump.  Mr. C does the large jump, I do the medium jump & M does the small jump.

Here they are jumping.then all our guides show us how it is really done.After this we hit the canyon with a waterfall, lots of whitewater, surfing a hole…during lunch I got really cold with purple fingers. I ended up lying on warm roaches trying to stop my teeth chattering. I ended up putting on the spray jacket for rest of trip, except cliff jumping and it saved me. there was so many much action that everyone was hooting, hollering, screaming and laughing.  We had to avoid a big rock by turning and hitting a rapid. It was the best rapid of the day….okay hard to choose favourites but I think the adults in the group agreed with this.D raises his arms in glory. We missed the rock. But the best fun for Wy, D & M was….riding the bull. When we hit the landing place, I barely could get out of Raft, my coordination, balance from my whacked internal gyroscope was completely off. I was shaky and didn’t clue how dehydrated that I had become because I was cold, I didn’t drink. Mr. C helps me get dressed in dry clothes by holding up towels. I was riding on a high that I had completed this milestone. I knew that I had used up all my spoons and would need recovery time but it was so worth it. We will be doing this every year from now on.

I was not the only one beat. R-man & Mr. C were sore; the kidlets fell asleep on bus ride and in car ride to Coleman. 

Mr. C always gives me crap that I push myself too hard. I say that if I didn’t push myself as hard as I do, I would still be shuffling my right foot and having a right hand that accidentally drops or throws things. I know self care is mandatory but so is also living and having fun.


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Look’n Good

images (5)I saw my very good friend today and she said that I look tired but very good. I had to agree with her. I am looking but feeling exhausted. I am so dragging, headpressure and pain. Not enough to get me completely out of the game of life but enough that I know it is there. This feeling is like an annoying hangover which would be okay if I had earned it from the night before.  Nope just get the feeling. Lucky me.

Last Monday, I had my neuropsych assessment. This is the second one I have had. The first was when I was inpatient rehab when in Unit 58.  It started at 9am and went until 12:15ish. I was exausted and felt sick to my stomach after. It was an interesting series of tests. I had to laugh at the peg test and the grip test. Oh yeah…lacking coordination and strength on the right side…it was quite amusing as I was doing it. I like the block test where I had to do patterns. The attention and memory tests were sucky but I plodded through everything.

downloadI then went to cafeteria to get lunch. It was so busy that I only sat there a few minutes and decided to go check in to sit in waiting room where it is usually quiet since I had an appt. with my Physiatrist for 1:30pm.

I check in; walk down the hallway where the waiting room nook was empty…score!!! I settled in and tried to eat my sandwich but I still felt sick to my stomach so I stopped. I was sitting there with eyes closed, relaxing in the relative quiet of a busy hospital when a person comes down and he is loud. He is another outpatient like myself. However, noise is not an issue for him but being loud, obnoxious were some highlight characters he exibited. Then he said he was there for his anger…while stating that the police are  corrupt and he got his injury from police when trying to arrest him. OMG…I think that I am going to lose it and police might come arrest me becuase he will not shut up; I am tired; feeling like shit and trying to really be polite. I do this for forty minutes. Finally I get up to go to the washroom and a young intern doctor motions to me as I come out that the escape route is to the left. I explained that I need to wait and the look of pity was did not go unnoticed. Then he gets called out…peace & quiet again. I shut my eyes and sleep again.

When it is my turn to go in, we talk about how I am doing. I tell her that there is no way I think I can be a sucessful counsellor, I don’t think I could really listen to people all day. We check go over meds and then do the Botox. Chris was in room with me by then and it is his first time waching the process. I guess when it goes in, the skin all inflates and there is a big bubble. The needles never seem to go quick enough. I even yelled out once or twice. 20151120_094254I even ended up with bruises on my scalp & forhead this time.  So the remainder of last week and still this week has been a little uncomftable.

The Psych called today to give me a rundown on my results. He said that I had improved in all categories but memory went down. He said that if I want to go back to school or re-train, that would be best at visual and hands on. That is good news at least. Options. I don’t think a Masters is in my future anymore, but I have a couple other ideas in the fire right now.

The memory going down is a concern! I have been experiencing other potential hydro issues but have been ignoring them for the last couple months but today I ended up sending email to Dr. to see if we can get a head scan. If there is another issue and I need to get an ETV again, I would rather do it sooner than later.  Below is a list of common symptoms when your hydrocephalus is acting up or things are not flowing right:

Older children and adults may experience different symptoms because their skulls cannot expand to accommodate the buildup of CSF. Symptoms may include headache followed by vomiting, nausea, blurred or double vision, sun setting of the eyes, problems with balance, poor coordination, gait disturbance, urinary incontinence, slowing or loss of developmental progress, lethargy, drowsiness, irritability, or other changes in personality or cognition including memory loss. taken from.Hydrocephalus Fact Sheet


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I’m Back

Wow this summer has been one wild ride. My pain levels have been managed with my new med mix. This left me with having energy but with a brain with racing thoughts, low attention and a go-go-go never stop type until you drop type of mentality.

So I just let everything go and enjoyed just being able to actually be a apart of life a lot more. I had a fun summer with the boys. We had no routine, schedule or things planned other than our trip to Vancouver Island.

The boys ran crazy; they were a part of their own wild thing type of clan. I have no idea how much they showered (if any); when or what they ate (probably mostly junk food); how many hours of video gaming (The gaming machine did not overheat); how many hours of hockey, football, basketball, swimming or lacrosse (garage door & car dents accounted for). It is all a blur of running boys, inside outside upside down with a trail dirty cups, spilled popcorn, granola bar wrappers, shoes, wet swim suits and piles of dirty laundry and hidden smelly socks in various furniture.

I was unable to sit down and write. I physically could not site still to read, draw, let alone write. I really wanted to share this summer. There were so many obstacles that I have finally overcome. But my TBI brain wouldn’t allow me to focus on intelligent conversation, sustained attention and unjumbled thoughts. I am glad that I let my body adjust to the meds and let things come back to even keel as now it is mid October and I am able to sit still long enough and write. I actually did begin October 2, but I have no idea where my draft went…somewhere floating in some random person’s email probably.

Then my son broke his leg October 3 and we have been adjusting to that. Talk about mess up my morning routine (LOL) I do my best and some days we are on time for school and others we are not. At least I haven’t forgotten a kid yet.

I passed my 3rd year brain surgery September 4 and my first year Steven-Johnson’s Syndrome (SJS) recovery September 5 with some major recovery milestones. Pain mostly controlled. I still feel tingling and fire ants on my right side. My right side aches when I do too much. I can live with that! But I am doing oh so much more. I still require my naps to be functional, but they are not all day naps unless I go hard core non-stop for a bit. I can live with that! I still get headaches and migraines but they have an beginning and a end rather than a continuous pain that doesn’t end. I can live with that!

I still have sensitive skin, itchy skin and rashes still. I am hoping we can get a handle on this as I hate having lots of cuts and scabs on my arms, legs and back. I am looking like a drug addict. The intense itching really bugs me. I am glad that my mouth only gets irritated once or twice month. I can even floss my teeth now. It takes a lot of energy not focus on the itching. At night it is really bad.

Believe me I am ecstatic about all the positive milestones in my recovery and I don’t focus on my annoyances of this recovery, but i still one not to settle. I am beginning to focus on my next milestones. Sustained energy and steady cognitive improvement. I can see work in the future. I have no clue what type of work, but it does seem more obtainable now!

So I am back not only from my break from writing but I AM BACK to land of living instead of sitting on the sidelines. It just makes it easier to live a meaninful life when not in as much pain.


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The battle between a clean deck and empty energy tank

IMG_3591This was my battle and I won. You would never think that a deck could be so sneaky and ninja like could you. But for a person such as myself recovering from a TBI/ABI with major fatigue issues a clean deck can be a nasty fight. First off, I actually “noticed” how grubby our back deck was. I wasn’t distracted by pain or other stuff that can “blind” me to seeing how the world is around me. Second, I moved all the furniture out of the way and then I cleaned the deck by mopping it. I also conquered the deck from start to finish in one go; not my usual family frustrating chain of events.

That does not sound like much to most normal energy people, but this is an amazing step for me. It turned out that the deck is not tan, but really grey. It looks so amazing except for the three steps I forgot to clean on the one side of the deck. Can’t expect perfection when progress has finally started to show up. Oh well – a person can compare colour differences more easily now. I am so over the moon with my new found energy! My progress is blowing me a way every day!

This how cleaning a deck looked like for me for the last three years. How in 33 short steps and a couple months you can have a clean deck when you experience TBI & fatigue issues

1) Jump in and start moving deck chairs

2) Realize that you have blocked yourself into a corner.

3) Move Deck chairs again.

4) Go upstairs and lie down. Head is spinning and no muscle strength

5) Get distracted with something else

6) Forget about half moved deck furniture

7) That day to two weeks later…finally remember that you were going to clean the deck

8) Move the rest of furniture.

9) Go upstairs and lie down. Head is spinning and no muscle strength

IMG_359210) Get distracted with something else

11) Forget about all the displaced deck furniture

12) That day to two weeks later…finally remember that you were going to clean the deck

13) Look for the mop & mop bucket. They moved with us..right!?!

14) Look for floor cleaning solution. We had a big bottle somewhere

15) Arrange all outside & then go upstairs to rest

16) Go upstairs and lie down. Head is spinning and no muscle strength

17) Get distracted with something else

18) Forget about the filled mop bucket with cleaning solution

19) That day to two weeks later…finally remember that you were going to clean the deck

20) Mop half the deck into a corner

21) Re-mop myself out of a corner

22) Go upstairs and lie down. Head is spinning and no muscle strength

23) Get distracted with something else

24) Forget about all the half mopped deck

25) That day to two weeks later…finally remember that you were going to clean the deck

26) Finish mopping deck and start to move back furniture

27) Re-mop deck as there are dirty streaks from moving back furniture

28) Go upstairs and lie down. Head is spinning and no muscle strength

29) Get distracted with something else

31) Forget about putting away mop

32) That day to two weeks later…finally you remember that the dirty mop & bucket is still outside

33) Look around and think…I need to relax out here more!


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Feel-good strategies for managing chronic conditions

I have practised the art of gratitude for a number of years now and have used affirmations since I was a late teen. I graduated from my therapy about this time last year. I have continued to learn and practice the art of being happy, being in the moment and living with mindfulness.

I tend to still do too much and get hit hard with the fatigue. With the fatigue, I feel the guilt from family and with that creates an emotional downhill spiral. The same sort of thing happens when trying new meds. You take a long time tirating up in hopes that your body responds positively. But if the drug is not the right one for you; you then have to endure the nasty side effects as you tirate down only to do it again and again in hopes that you will find the one combo of drugs that actually works for you.  If you didn’t have some strategies to make you feel good, it is easy to feel angry, bitter, depressed, helpless, inadequate, worthless and all those other negative feelings that take up a lot of time and energy that could be re-directed elsewhere in your life.

Over the last year, I have been putting a lot of strategies into practise and have noticed it paying off. For example, mindfulness slowing me down. I am actually thinking “do I really need to do this…how will it impact me…my family…etc….” I have recently began adding more creativeness in my life by trying to do art more frequently.

All these activities sound like nice frou frou fanciful recreational only type things. However for a person with a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) or Aquired Brain Injury (ABI) these activities are crucial for developing new neural pathways for recovery. They work on both emotional and executive function areas.

I am addicted to all those affirmations that you find on Twitter, Facebook or other numerous social sites. I know that people scoff at them and find them annoying but I love them. If I read an affirmation that I like or that a friend of mine might want to read I save it on my phone. Whenever, I am feeling down, or overwhelmed, I scroll through my file folder. It doesn’t take many files before I am feeling better. This slows me down enough for me to remember to breathe, clear my head and re-direct. It allows me to pseudo-meditate as I focus on listing off in my head what I am grateful for in my life. It allows me to then see if it is worth it to spend my energy feeling the way I am. Sometimes yes & sometimes  no.

I know that some people do not believe in creative, gratitude, happiness or laughter methods. No these activities can not replace medicine for your anxiety or depression, but can be used in conjunction to help cope with stressors in a positive or proactive way. When you have a chronic condition or invisible illness you fight with negative emotions everyday that can spur from pain to not feeling included in your community. No one wants to be a perceived non-productive member, or to always be in uncomfortable or in pain or sleep deprived. We all want to be included – even in small ways. We all want that range of motion or more of those days where it doesn’t hurt physically or to have the good days outnumber the bad days. We do not want to choose between a long list of “have tos” and commitments because the tank is running on empty. Practicing gratitude, creativity, happiness and laughter methods help me to not be enveloped in a sea of black and negativeness. This is where the “fake it until you make it” can really come in handy. A change of perception can do wonders. Here are some affirmations that I have grabbed from my phone. Enjoy & hope you feel better after you read them.


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The Wandering Nerve

kelly dec 2014 234 I had originally been told that I had neurogenic stuttering due to my brain injury. The stuttering began at the end of June in 2012. I guess the increased pressure from my hydrocephalus had damaged my language centres enough for the stuttering to begin. When I was released from rehab, I began speech therapy at the Medicine Hat Hospital. It was there I worked with some great therapists. We worked on speech techniques, word finding, categorization and a variety of other speech related things to do with muscle control and rhythm. I remember that I learned of one the two damaged cranial nerves that was affecting my speech. The Vagus (wandering nerve or tenth cranial nerve) is important for many functions other than speech such as heart rate, sweating, digestion and blood pressure (mmm so many answers are now coming to light).

A damaged vagus nerve can cause issues with muscle control and swallowing in the mouth and neck. I am no expert at any of this but it was explained to me simply that speech comes from the brain figuring out word to diaphragm with the air flow up, to voice box (larynx) where the vocal cords vibrate. From there the sound then is resonated into nose, mouth area. Speech can be disrupted anywhere along the process. I know that I still have trouble swallowing quickly and sometimes choke on water etc…if I drink or eat to quickly. I have noticed this more since I had SJS as my mouth was so beat up and sensitive with blisters, open wounds. It feels like there is a large marble around my adams apple. I am guessing that I have muscle weakness and lack of control on the right side of my neck and mouth that was similar to every where else on my right side. As part of my therapy I had to work on my breathing, hold my hand up on my neck and face to feel certain muscle movements when I said certain words. I know that my stutter comes out with certain letters or letter groupings. It also can come out when stressed, overwhelmed, sick or if I am stuck with the cognitive process of what I wanted to say. Thus I love social media or online interaction more than in person.

kelly dec 2014 118Along with speech therapy, I also attended an Aphasia group at the mall that was run by the speech therapists at the hospital. This was a very good group because we played games and did activities that not only worked on speaking but on word finding, grouping of words and rhythm of having a conversation again.

I had started out with really one word answers of either “fine” or “good” for my conversation depth and breadth. Then I was able to pre-plan a sentence that I would knew would get a person talking so then I wouldn’t have to talk anymore.  From there the amount of pre-planned sentences went up. I would also have a stash of questions to ask. I knew if I asked questions, I would not have to talk much and lessen the chances of me having to stutter. This went on until about mid-way last year.  I stopped going to speech and began going to the Brain Injury Re-Learning Service (BIRS is a part of REDI enterprises), the big red building with paper planes flying. We began cognitive, memory, visual-spatial, awareness and attention rehabilitation. By the end of last year my speech had improved greatly. My stutter was almost non-existent and the biggest thing that no one probably noticed was that I was having conversations that were less and less planned. I was able to be more spontaneous and talk more freely. I had volunteered with the Kindergarten class to help with reading January 2014. I remember reading the Dr. Seus book “Mr. Brown Can moo, Can you?” So everything was going along just perfectly with no verbal glitches. The kids were repeating all the sounds in the book. I was having a great time until and then I got verbally stuck on a word. Here I was stuttering on a stuck word with 16 kindergartners repeating the sounds as they thought it was a part of the book.  Both the teacher and teaching assistant are cracking up at the back of the room and I am now cracking up laughing with my little parrots doing the  same thing. I had tears running down my face as it was so funny and priceless. I loved those kids, they just went with the flow, like I did!

kelly dec 2014 396I think the reasons for my improvement are re-connection of brain pathways due to neuroplasticity, lots of practicing in front of mirror, breathing exercises, word finding exercises, luminosity, word puzzles, boggle, volunteering, helping my kids read, helping my kids with their homework (last year I found some grade two homework hard), speech therapy, Aphasia group, BIRS, becoming slightly more cognitively aware, not giving up, not being afraid of failure, time (as slow as this process is), getting pissed off, frustrated and not settling for a brain injured status quo. I am have also been helped by the wonderful support that I have found on Twitter. There are so many people that I have connected to. Just supporting one another with ideas, suggestions and strategies has been very meaningful for me. Some days my fellow #TBI #ABI tweeters are the only people outside my family I connect with. I was fortunate to meet up with the founder of #ABIchat. This is an online support group on Twitter that I have participated a couple of times to.  I just need to find out when the chats are again (in the brain and out the brain syndrome). I really think healing and recovery of the brain is being re-defined.  Hearing from other high-functioning brain injured people has given me hope that I will find my niche and happy place being a productive member of society again. It really bothers me of the negative stereotypes and judgements that happen when you are labelled disabled and on disability as a form of income. The flippant comments and the poor treatment is often jaw dropping. I know that I shouldn’t let the comments hurt but they do. And it is often just general comments from people who do not even know that I am on disability. I have kept that mostly to my self and immediate family until today. I have to just shake my head and wonder what education level and knowledge where the people with these comments are coming from. I have to remind myself that it is not me but them that is broken.